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G O L F J O K E S
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied d the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded.. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and affairs with women."
"What are you going to do?"
"I'll miss her."
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
Every Saturday he has an early tee time, gets up early and golf's all day. One Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day. He puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"
The young lady walked up to her 20 foot birdie putt, stopped and said to the young fella, "You know if I make this 20 foot putt for bird; after we dine and dance, we'll go to my place, have a couple of drinks and celebrate our great day in the proper way."
As she went to putt; the young fella called out, "Hold it! That's a 'gimme' pick it up!"
"No, I'm sorry, but you play from where you lie!"
"But I'm going to destroy the club, it's all rocks and gravel," he said.
"Tough, but no favors, you play from where you lie."
The poor guy stops arguing and takes his first trial swing and of course, gravel and sparks fly everywhere. Second swing, same again. Finally he feels ready, moves to the ball and hits... gravel and sparks everywhere, but the ball flies off beautifully, lands on the green and stops inches from the cup.
"My God, what a shot! --- Which club did you use?"
"Your five iron..."
"There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday."
"Well" replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."
His buddy asked, "How many strokes did it take you to get out of there?"
He said, "two", but his buddy said, "I heard eight."
His reply was, "Six of them were echoes."
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow!" he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
The only number on your speed dial is 1-800-TEETIME.
You have your priorities in order: food, shelter, greens fees, job.
You dream you go to prison but still get conjugal visits with your driver.
You tell the lost motorist that the gas station is only a par 4 away on the left.
You'd like to take off your glove but hey, why bother?
Whenever you see a hole in the ground, you squat, squint and read the line.
You're vaguely aware of living with a woman, allegedly your wife.
You ask the shopper ahead in the checkout line if you can play through.
Before you pick up the salt shaker, you mark its position with a dime.
"Certainly not, dear" she replied. "Well, neither would he."
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and
responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip
and lower my right thumb."
She: "If I would putt it in one stroke, I would die."
He: "Darling, I give you that putt."
A: Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I forgot to mention that there was a condition to your wishes- that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better."
The woman said, "That would be fine." For her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to him." The woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, poof - she's the most beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be 10 times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine..." So, poof, she's the richest woman in the world.
The frog then inquired about her third
wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.
One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects."
"Well, we were married for 25 years!
"Don't they know their supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough." He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost. "Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."
The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said, "Small world!"
N O - G O L F J O K E S
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 100 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him. No problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120mph, then 130, then 140mph.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back".
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper ...
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there!"
Now open the picture by clicking on the GO icon...
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband," said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this moment is very romantic; but, an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So... I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife was deeply disappointed; but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and... abracadabra! Suddenly the husband was 90 years old. Men might be bastards BUT FAIRIES ARE... FEMALE!
The man says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys deducted $95.00 in taxes.
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When that angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased.
So while he was debating what to do about the 95%, He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good to encourage them - give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said? No?
I didn't get one either.
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. "We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in ?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Excuse me," she said. "Are you American?"
"Yes, I am," I answered.
"What state are you from?" she asked.
"Texas," I replied proudly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," she said, obviously disappointed. "I was hoping to find someone to help me with my English."
Millie started up the stairs and when she reached the middle she called to Anna the 92 year old: "Was I going up or down the stairs?"
At that time Anna was sitting at the kitchen table, a bit annoyed, she knocked on the table and said: "I hope I never get as bad as those two!"
The sister in the tub called down to Anna: "Can you come up here and help me?"
Anna replied: "Wait a minute, I have to answer the door!"
The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, a little old lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. The continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls suddenly opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Quick, go get your Mother!"
The shephard looked at the young man, then at his flock of grazing sheep and said calmly: "Alright!"
The young man parked his Jeep, connected his notebook with the celluar phone, hooked up with the Internet on the NASA site, then scanned the region with help of his GPS satellite navigation system, opened a data base with 60 EXCEL spread sheeds with unending formulas. Finally, a 150 page bulletin was printed out by his high-tech mini-printer and then the young man turned to the shephard and said: "You have exactly 1586 sheep!"
The shephard replied: "That is correct, pick out the one sheep that you wish." The young man took one animal and put it into his Jeep. The shephard watched and said: "If I guess your occupation, will you return it to me?"
The young man answered: "Of course, why not?"
The shephard stated: "You are a management consultant!"
"That is correct - how do you know?" asked the young man.
Very easy," replied the shephard. "First of all, you come here even though nobody asked for you to come. Second, you wish payment in form of a sheep for information I already know and finally, you have no knowledge of what I am doing because you selected my dog!"
F U N N Y S T U F F
This is soooo stupid but true... and it's going to drive you crazy!
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it.
It's true: There really is a man's skull in this picture!!!
Move picture up side down. Or move MOUSE over picture. You'll be surprised.
How many animals from each species you have to buy?
If you can't find the solution - send me an email.
FATHER AND MOTHER I LOVE YOU
Frank Mc Ghee
Please start here a tour by watching a couple of pictures by clicking on the GO icon...
NOTE: There are no tricks - you only need logic.
Here is the exercise:
1. There are five houses - each in a different color.
2. In each house lives a person with a different nationality.
3. Each person likes a specific drink, smokes a specific cigarette and owns a specific animal.
4. None of the five persons drink the same drink, smoke the same cigarette, or like the same animal as one of his four neighbors.
Question: Who is the owner of the fish?
Here are some important hints:
The British lives in the red house.
The Swede is owner of a dog.
The man from Denmark drinks tea.
The green house is located on the left side of the white house.
The owner of the green house drinks coffee
The PALL MALL smoker owns a bird.
The man who likes milk is living in the middle house.
The owner of the yellow house smokes DUNHILL.
The Norwegian lives in the first house.
The MARLBORO smoker lives next door to the owner of a cat.
The owner of a horse lives next door to the DUNHILL smoker.
The WINFIELD smoker likes beer.
The Norwegian lives next door to the owner of blue house.
The German smokes ROTHMANNS.
The MARLBORO smoker lives next door to a neighbor who drinks water.
Albert Einstein invented this puzzle and affirmed that 98% of the people are not able to find the correct solution. Now good luck - and don't give up!
If you solve the problem in less than 30 minutes please send me an email - all others too :-))
It is not true, that Einstein did invent this puzzle!
Assistant to the Curator
Albert Einstein Archives
Jewish National and University Library
P.O.B. 34165 Jerusalem 91341 Israel
- First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have dinner out (try for more than once but less than 10).
- Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold).
- Add 5 (Just because).
- Multiply it by 50 (I'll wait while you get the calculator).
- If you have already had your birthday this year add 1750... If you haven't, add 1749...
- Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
- Finally add the difference of todays current year and the year 2000 (Sample: 2010 minus 2000 = add 10).
You should have a three digit number.
- The first digit of this was your original number (How many times you want to eat out each week - remember?).
- The next two numbers are...
YOUR AGE !!! OH YES, IT IS !!!